Side (and Front) Effects
“Ah, I love days like this. You can almost smell the spring flowers blooming. Too nice a day to work, really.”
“Well, enough lolligagging. I really ought to read all this literature about that new drug I’m testing. Good grief, this file is an inch thick. Well, nobody here, I can put my feet up.” [Creeeak]
“Let’s see, ‘N-HancDD produces general metabolic stimulation based on induced retranscription of key operons...blah blah blah...’ [yawn] ‘...may promote adjustment of hormonal balance in favour of... blah blah blah...’ [yawn]. Man, this is dull.”
“Ahhh, such a warm spring breeze. Maybe I’ll just rest my eyes for a mo....[Snore!]
[Knock]
[Snore]
[Knock, knock!]
[Snore]
[Knock, click, creak] “Uh, Dr. Hardrod?”
[Snore]
“Dr. Hardrod!”
[Snort] “Huh! Wha..what! [Thump] Ouch! Oh, Misty! How many times have I told you not to break in on me without knocking?”
“Doctor, you were sound asleep.”
“Asleep! Of course not! I was just resting my eyes. I was... uh, thinking.”
“Sure, whatever. Look, I’m sorry to disturb you but there’s someone waiting in—”
“Do you know what I was thinking, Misty? I was thinking, maybe our working relationship would run a little smoother if we got to know each other better. If you like, we could step out after work, maybe have dinner...”
“Forget it, Doctor. I have to study.”
“Well, I would be glad to help you with that, if you’d like. I could lend a hand with your course work, or give you a few tips on hospital practice. How about that?”
“Doctor, once and for all, I am not interested in your thinly disguised passes. I’m only working here at all because I badly need the money, OK? Furthermore, when I graduate from medical school, I will become a real doctor, not some cut-rate shill who peddles patent medicines for fly-by-night drug companies.”
“Misty, I’m offended. Volparnuit Pharmaceuticals is one of the most respected pharmaceutical research companies anywhere in the Caribbean. They have—”
“Doctor, could we discuss medical ethics later? You have a patient!”
“A patient? Why didn’t you say so?”
“I’ve been trying! Mrs. Goodenrich is here, right now. She seems upset. She insists on seeing you right away.”
“That’s odd. Her appointment isn’t until next—”
“Doctor! I absolutely must insist on speaking to you right now!”
“Mrs. Goodenrich, please, if you’ll just wait a mo—”
“Don’t try to put me off again, nurse flatchest, I will see the doctor—Now!”
“He’ll be with you in—”
“It’s OK, Misty. I’ll take it from here.”
“Very well, Doctor.” [Slam!]
“Well, Mrs. Goodenrich, how nice to see you. By Elvis’s ghost, you’re looking absolutely radiant! I hope—”
“Doctor, what the hell is in those pills you gave me?”
“Pills? Oh, yes, you mean the N-HancDD. I did tell you they were experimental, didn’t I? Clinical tests have proven very promising for chronic fatigue. So, has your energy level improved?”
“Improved? It’s gone through the roof! It’s boundless. I feel like doing handstands. I’ve never felt so energized; I just go-go-go all day long. I hardly even need to sleep; I can stay up practically all night fu—er, doing things.”
“Well, this is excellent, isn’t it. You do look positively splendid this morning, too. So... what’s the problem?”
“The problem, you lecherous quack, is that those stupid pills have done a lot more than just give me a permanent coffee buzz. Why didn’t you warn me about the side effects?”
“Side effects? Why, there shouldn’t be any. N-HancDD is completely safe. I have it on good authority from the manufacturer that there are virtually no deleterious side effects from this medication. That reminds me. Will you excuse me for just one moment?”
[Click. Whir] [Lowered voice] “Note to self: Send inquiry to Chester Biggs, Volparnuit Pharmaceuticals, urgent, concerning side effects of N-HancDD.”[Click]
“Right, well then. What sort of side effects are you experiencing?”
“Doctor, are you blind as well as incompetent? Don’t you notice anything different about me?”
“Well, as I said, you appear to be in absolutely vibrant good health. Your colour is excellent, your eyes are bright—say, did you get your hair done since I saw you last?
“No. It did itself.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t either! Hair isn’t supposed to go from straight and short to long and lustrous without some sort of human intervention. It’s those damned pills of yours! Look, it even has red highlights now. But I can live with that. Self-perming hair is nothing compared with the other side-effects. Look at how my figure has changed.”
“Hmmm. You do seem quite a bit... fuller.”
“Fuller! You call this fuller? Wait, let me take this jacket off.” [Zip. Rustle, rustle]. Is this what you call “fuller?”
[Gulp] “Aaaah! Ah, blub, blub, blu... ahem. Uhm. Well. Yes, I see. Uhm, there d-does seem to b-be some... uh, engorgement of the breasts. Uh, yes, quite definitely.”
“Some engorgement? Fuller? What is this, an understatement contest? Doctor, I’m absolutely gigantic! I look like I swallowed two beachballs. My breasts are the size of watermelons. I mean, for the lovagod get a look at these tits!”
“I’m looking, I’m looking... I mean, yes, I see your points... I mean your point, your situation. How do you know the N-HancDD is responsible? When exactly did this... enlargement begin?”
“The first day I was on the pills. I took my first dose on Friday. On Saturday morning I couldn’t fit into any of my bras. I bought a new bra on Saturday afternoon. On Monday morning it didn’t fit either. I bought a new one on Monday. That didn’t last until Wednesday. By the next Friday I gave up completely. By that time I had exhausted all the regular sizes anyway, and could only find help at a few specialty shops.”
“You—you have been carrying those big, beautiful, boobies—er, that is, those seriously swollen breasts for most of a week with no brassiere?”
“Yes! And they continued to grow the entire time. Once I stopped wearing a bra though, I discovered I didn’t need one! They’re amazingly firm in spite of their size. You see how they jut out from my chest without any sag at all? Doctor?”
“What? Oh, oh yes. They are... magnificent. But surely at that... magnitude you must be experiencing some discomfort?”
“None! None at all! Those damned pills of yours are like... anti-gravity or something. Look, I’ll show you. Let me get this shirt off.”
“No! Wait! Mrs. Goodenrich, I don’t think that will be nec—”
[Stretch, pull, struggle, rip.]
“There! You see what I’m talking about?”
“John Paul George and Ringo! They’re... spectacular!”
“From your point of view, maybe; but you see how round they are, how perfect and smooth? Doctor?”
“Doctor!”
“Ahh! Yes, yes, I, I see. They’re really quite... captivating, aren’t they.”
“That’s not all. Those pills must have built up my muscle structure as well. Watch what happens when I shake my shoulders.”
[Boing! boing! bounce, bounce, jiggle, wiggle, jiggle]
“Ohmygod.”
“Doctor, will you please pick your jaw up off the floor. You are supposed to be a physician, remember! This is a medical condition!”
“OK, OK, you’re right. Let’s just keep cool about this. We’ll finish the history first. Uh, perhaps I should measure...”
“Don’t bother. My husband has measured me at least once a day since this all started.”
“And?”
“You figure it out. Before your bumbling incompetence ruined my entire life I had a nicely proportioned 33-inch bust. According to my husband’s calculations, I have been gaining something under an inch per day since I started taking your pills.”
“But, but that’s impossible! You started on the N-HancDD, what, almost 12 days ago? That would make you... Wow.”
“Exactly. Give or take an inch or two.”
“I, I don’t believe this. Nobody can get that big that fast.”
“The evidence is staring you in the face, you low-life drug pusher. That’s not all the changes, either. You must have noticed how my nipples have expanded. Now I have ripe strawberries on top of my watermelons.”
[Whisper] “What a fruit salad!”
“What was that?”
“Oh, uh, nothing, nothing. Have you noticed any change in sensitivity, in your nipples for instance?”
“I can hardly believe it. They’re incredibly responsive. Look what happens if I just give them a little tweak.”
“No! I mean, no that won’t be necessary. I get the idea. Please go on. What else have you experienced?
“I’ve been eating like a horse but I’ve lost three inches around the waist. My hips have flared out while dropping padding I’ve been trying to shed for years. My rump has rounded and tightened up like I did a year’s worth of advanced aerobics in two weeks. My legs—”
“...are utterly fabulous! Oh, I’m sorry. That just came out. Uh, it’s just I couldn’t help noticing; you know... with that skirt...”
“Yes, I know it’s awfully short, Doctor. It belongs to my daughter. I’ve been changing shape so fast that none of my clothes fit. Molly’s lycra minis are the only thing that stretch around my hips from one day to the next.”
“I see.”
“Well, she doesn’t need them while she’s away at school. She’s too young to be wearing her skirts so short anyway.”
“Yes, but surely your buttocks themselves could not have changed shape so quickly. They’re mostly muscle, after all, and—”
“Not convinced? Here, I’ll bend over for you. Look, have you ever seen an ass like that?
[Gasp!]
[Whisper] “Peter Paul and Mary me! That has got to be one of the greatest asses in the history of receding females! Sgt. Pepper and Abbey Road, it’s... it’s perfect. It’s like—[Louder]. Yes, well, very impressive. Very impressive indeed. Stand up straight now. Please. I couldn’t help noticing your legs look so satiny smooth. What is that material, some kind of sheer nylon?”
“Doctor, I’m not wearing any nylons.”
“I, I see. And that little thong, uh, you borrowed that from your daughter too?”
“No, I would never let her wear such a thing. I bought it myself when I got tired of panties that didn’t fit two days after I bought them.”
“Oh. But... hang on a minute. Something doesn’t add up here. Mrs. Goodenrich, you’re far too young to have a daughter old enough that you could borrow her clothes. What are you, 21, 22?”
“Doctor, I’m 38!”
“Oh dear; I see. Well, all right, I concede that there have been some physical changes. They’re mostly beneficial though, right? I mean, your face could be in cosmetics commercials, without the cosmetics. You could be—”
“Doctor, these last two weeks have been chaos! These physical changes have been confusing enough, but those pills—they have been playing havoc with my moods.”
“Oh, oh my. Have you been feeling depressed? Irritable?”
“Completely the opposite. Those N-HancDD tablets are like high-test happy pills. They make me feel light-headed and silly, as giddy as a schoolgirl. I can’t concentrate on anything. And my, uhm, sexual appetite has increased... a lot.”
“How much a lot?”
“A whole lot.”
“Oh, I see. Has this been a problem? With your husband, I mean.”
“Not at first. My husband was rather pleasantly surprised the first couple of nights—we hadn’t been having sex much any more. He was also gratified that he could bring me to orgasm so quickly. He says my... that is, I’ve become, well, wonderfully snug and responsive.”
“But I swear, as my chest measurements went up, so did my sexual desire. Pretty soon I was riding my poor George to exhaustion every night, then doing it again the next morning. By the end of the first week even that wasn’t enough. I was frigging myself three or four times per day as well.”
“It was worse when I went out in public. I have always had men looking at me; any attractive woman gets used to that, but not like this. It’s like my boobs were magnetic. Everywhere I went men always had their eyes rivetted to my tits—just like yours are, Doctor.”
“What? Oh, was I staring? Sorry.”
“Anyway, it didn’t help that I was always straining my clothing to the limit so you could see the exact outline of my expanding boobies. Of course, I couldn’t help going out in public all the time because I constantly had to go shopping for new clothes!”
“Then, when I stopped wearing bras, it became almost unbearable. Every time I stepped out on the street I had every man I met drooling and bumping into lampposts. And that turned me on so much I could hardly remember where I was going.”
“I did a lot of hand loving in public washrooms and change rooms of clothing boutiques. I got into the habit of wearing my daughter’s miniskirts, even when they became too small for me, because they allowed easy access to my snatch. Of course that just made things worse because my legs were becoming pretty damn distracting too.”
“Are they ever—that is, yes, I understand. Please go on.”
“Well, you can’t wear a skirt like this one without the right heels too. Can you? It made sense at the time. Since I started on those pills I can’t even think straight, especially when I’m turned on. But my new high heels made me wiggle when I walked, which in turn made my giant, braless boobies bounce, so the nipples rubbed against the blouse and got all hard and pointy.”
“Uh, yes, I see how that would be... distracting.”
“Doctor, if I had attracted attention before, now I was irresistible! Grown men became staring, stuttering fools when they talked to me. Guys on the street turned around to gawk helplessly, even when they were with another woman. I actually gave men erections just by giving them a good look at my glorious globes. I may have been personally responsible for several fender-benders in my neighbourhood.”
“Uh, excuse me, I think I’ll just move over here, behind the desk. Don’t you find it, uh, warm in here?”
“Not with the window open. See how my nipples are stiffening? [Giggle] My strawberries are ripening!”
“Oh god. Please, Mrs. Goodenrich, get back to your story. Did all this... male attention in public affect you?”
Affect me! It drove me wild. I was simmering like an overheated teakettle all day long. As my tits kept growing, the sexual heat just kept rising and rising. I became insatiable. George couldn’t begin to satisfy me. I got into the habit of driving with one hand so I could keep the other one busy between my legs. That’s when I had... the accident.
“Accident?”
“It was bound to happen. I was driving to my country club for a game of tennis last Saturday. I had a new tennis dress on, but it was already way too small on top, even with all the buttons in the throat undone, and my chest pulled the hem up so high it barely covered essentials. I had—”
“You’re still playing tennis? In your condition? Haven’t all these changes thrown off your game?”
“They’ve thrown off my life! My tennis game is atrocious! I can’t concentrate on the play or even remember the score. I get the giggles every time I serve, and my balance is way off because of all the weight up front. Of course I can’t find a sportsbra that fits, so my mega-mammaries bounce around with every shot, like this—”
“No! Please, don’t do that again.”
“The funny thing is, I’ve risen five ranks in the club standings since I started taking the pills! Male opponents just can’t seem to keep their eyes on the ball. Even the women, now that I think about it....”
“But that’s neither here nor there. The day of the accident I was driving to my tennis club while pleasuring myself with one hand. Jolly good thing my car has an automatic transmission. Another car was pulling out just as I was making a turn, and we struck. I saw the other driver getting out of his sportscar, and boy did he look steamed. So I licked off my fingers and pulled up my panties and climbed out to look at the damage.”
“I was up around 39 or 40 inches by this time, and I’m afraid my straining little tennis dress didn’t cover very much. I decided to try sweet-talking my way out of the situation. I tried to sound contrite. I batted my long eyelashes at him. (Have you noticed how big and deep blue my eyes are now?) I pretended not to notice that he couldn’t take his eyes off my tits.”
“Well, did his mood change in a hurry! All of a sudden he becomes realfriendly and starts apologizing and making like it was nothing, even though there was a big dent in his bumper. I had noticed a big outward dent in his pants too.”
“I hadn’t come in a couple of hours so I guess I was pretty horny right then. The way the poor fellow was staring at me was just making me so hot. Without thinking about it, I whispered something about making everything all right. Then I just sauntered up to him, slipped my arms around his shoulders, rubbed my captivating chest against his, and gave him a kiss he won’t forget for a long while.”
“I don’t know what came over me. I just wanted his cock so bad. While he was distracted by my tongue action I slipped my hands down and opened his pants. He was too surprised and turned on to pull away. Before he could react I had his pecker out. Of course he was hard for me. Without saying a word I bent over and slipped my thick red lips around his shaft.”
“I know how to give pretty good head, if I do say so myself. I had been practising regularly with my husband. So there I was, a happily married woman, with my mouth around the rigid cock of some stranger I had just met, sucking him off like there was no tomorrow. We were behind my car, but still right on a public street. I don’t even know if anybody saw us.”
“Did you, did you enjoy it?”
“Oh god, it was divine. Since I started on those stupid pills I can’t get enough cock. He came pretty quickly. I pulled out at the last moment and let him come all over my cleavage. He liked that a lot. Afterward I was still horny so I got him hard again and we fucked in the backseat of his car. When I finally let him go he promised not to report our accident. He even agreed to pay for the repairs to my car.”
“Doctor! Get your hands out of your pockets!”
“Oh, uh, I beg your pardon. I was just, uhm, looking for my stethoscope. Please, finish your story.”
“I never did get to play tennis that day. I drove the car to a bodyshop to get the fender fixed. All the guys in the shop were more interested in my body than the car’s. I can still remember how they all looked at me, slack-jawed and amazed, when I stepped out of the car in my immaculate tennis whites, my tits bursting out the top and my legs completely uncovered on the bottom. The mechanic who worked on my car looked like he had a crowbar down his coveralls.”
“I don’t remember what happened exactly. I sure wasn’t pure white when I left. I had grease and palmprints all over. The cab driver kept looking up my dress.”
“Goodness it’s hot in here. Mrs. Goodenrich, I had no idea those pills would affect you this way. What about your job? You’re an investment analyst or some such, right?”
“I was. I got fired this week.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I got a terrific separation package.”
“But, why did they fire you? Surely not just because of your tempting, titanic titties—oops, I mean, your breast enlargement problem.”
“No, but that was part of it. I told you how these pills make me addled. By Monday, just the third day on the pills, I was already having trouble concentrating on my work. I just couldn’t take it seriously. Every day that week I came to work with bigger boobs and a shorter attention span. By Friday I was mostly just doodling and combing my hair.” [Giggle]
“And distracting the rest of the office. I soon learned that a big-busted woman who’s bursting out of her clothes can have a very stimulating effect on the men around her. Everybody was always finding excuses to drop by my office. I got invited out for drinks several times every day. A fight broke out once over who got to help me finish a report. By the end of the week I had so many amorous visitors I wouldn’t have got anything done even if I had bothered to try.”
“Unfortunately, nobody else was getting anything done either. On Friday the boss hauled me into his office and read the riot act. It was the strangest conversation. I remember I was wearing a new, purple sweater. It was bulky when I bought it, but since my bust-size was greater than my age at that point it sure wasn’t bulky any more. It was more like a second skin. In fact, it had pulled up so far it left my navel exposed. Mr. Simpson chewed me out sternly enough, but he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off my tits. He kept talking to them instead of me.
I’m pretty sure he was hard the entire time. He told me I would be out of a job if I didn’t shape up. I suppose he meant figuratively.”
“Well, that was hardly likely as long as I was popping those demonic drugs of yours. On Monday I came into work at least two inches larger in the bust, wearing no brassiere and one of my daughter’s miniskirts with high heels. My big, ultra-sensitive nipples were outlined exactly by my straining T-shirt.
“I tried to do my job, a little bit anyway, but I just didn’t care. Beside, I couldn’t keep my mind off sex long enough to do any real work. Especially when every male in the office was practically drooling over me. Every time I stepped out of my cubicle I was surrounded by horny, bug-eyed suitors. They were all so transfixed by my fantastic body they could barely make conversation. You could almost smell the testosterone in the air.”
“Somehow I managed to get through Monday, though I basically brought the whole office to a standstill. I spent a lot of time in the ladies’ room, relieving myself. By Tuesday I couldn’t stand the heat any more. There was a meeting in the conference room, and when I walked in I realized too late that I was the only woman there. My tits were threatening to split open my straining gold blouse. My ass wiggled delectably every time I took a step. Every man in the room was staring helplessly.”
“Somehow the meeting turned into an orgy. The fellas helped me tear my clothes off, which didn’t take long, and then I took them one and two at a time on the conference room table. I thought I had died and gone to heaven.”
“We were just getting going, I had only satisfied three or four guys, when Mr. Simpson walked in! We had forgotten to lock the door. He hauled me into his office and fired me on the spot.”
“That didn’t change the fact that he had a hard-on threatening to tear his pants. I decided to press my advantage and finesse a good separation package. First I “negotiated” him out of his pants. Then I knelt down and gave him a long, excruciating breast fuck between my huge hooters. Just when he was ready to come I started talking about severance pay. He was in no position to bargain. I simply refused to let him come until he agreed to my ridiculous terms. When he finally gasped, “Yes, anything!” he exploded like a geyser all over my chest. I gave him a few minutes to catch his breath. Then I got him hard again and we spent the next hour screwing on top of his desk.”
“Oh god it’s hot in here. I’m covered with sweat. Where’s my handkerchief. Whew. What, what are you doing now? Are you still unemployed?”
“Oh, I got another job right away. The first one I applied for, in fact. I just walked into another brokerage house, asked to talk to a manager, and told them I was available. I don’t know if he even looked at my resume. I do filing and stuff now.”
“How does your husband feel about, about all this?”
“My husband left me. He says he can’t keep up with my unquenchable thirst for sex. Well, that, and he caught me one afternoon riding the pool cleaner on the livingroom rug.”
“Ohmygod. Did you try to explain the situation?”
“I tried, but it was really hard with the gardener’s cock in my mouth.”
“All right, all right. That, that’s enough. Please, I get the idea. It looks like the N-HancDD has had some unexpected side effects—”
“Doctor, get a grip, will you! I didn’t come here so you could blather about unintended side effects. What in the name of heaven is in those cursed pills? Look at me! I’ve turned into a walking wet dream. In just two weeks I’ve changed from a normal, healthy woman into a traffic-stopping, giant-chested lovedoll who can’t think of anything but sex sex sex!”
“But, but, wait a minute. If you knew the N-HancDD was doing this to you, why did you keep taking the pills?”
“I, I don’t know why. After the first few days I just didn’t want to stop. Maybe I’m addicted. I don’t know. I was aware that the pills were somehow related to my breast growth, but in less than a week my mind got so fuzzy I never really thought about the connection. By the second week I was too pre-occupied with sex and more sex to worry about a few little pills.
“Besides, every time I took some of the N-HancDD, I started to feel really good all over. High-test happy pills, right? The feeling started to fade by the next day, and the only way to feel good again was to take the next pill.”
“This is alarming. I promise I had no idea this sort of thing was possible. All right, let’s do something about it. We’ll begin an intense investigation aimed at limiting the effects of N-HancDD and reversing them as far as possible. First thing, we have to get you off those pills.”
“What!”
“The pills, the N-HancDD. It’s obviously causing enormous side effects. We’ll get rid of the rest, and then move on to—”
“No, doctor, you don’t understand. I didn’t come here for help getting off the pills. I came here to get some more!”
“What?”
“Those marvellous little pills make me feel better than I ever have in my life. You can’t cut me off now. Look, I’m almost out! Please, doctor, I need some more!”
“What, are you mad? Those pills have made you... well, like you are now.”
“Yes, Doctor, I know. Don’t you love it? Don’t I look good? Take a good, long look at these melons, honey. Here, I’ll hold them up for you. Don’t you want to just squeeze them, and fondle them, and run your tongue all around the nipples, like this... [Slurp, lap, lap]
[Gulp] “Please, Mrs. Goodenrich, stay back...”
“How about it doc? Wouldn’t you just love to fuck a stunningly beautiful woman with a rack like this? I’ll do just about anything for some more of those pills, baby.”
“No, please, I c-can’t. They’re dangerous—”
“Oh, forget dangerous, baby. You want me. You know you can’t resist me. Nobody can. I’m all your greatest fantasies come true. Here, put your hands on me.”
“Oh god....”
[Ziiiiip] “Oh look darling, you’re hard already. You really do like my titties don’t you, Dr. Hardrod. That’s right, get lost in them. I bet you’re wondering what it would be like it I knelt down and put your cock between my ripe watermelons... like this....”
“Ohgodohgodohgod.”
“Can’t I have just a few more pills, pretty please? Hmmmm?”
“Ah! Ah, ah, ah all right! Yes! Yes, yes, as many as you want. [Pant, pant] But wait, I just had an idea. No, don’t stop, please don’t stop, let me just reach the intercom.”
[Buzz] “Yes, Doctor?”
“Misty, are you still looking to make some extra money? [Lowered voice] Yes, baby, like that, just like thaaaat.”
“Would I be working for you if I wasn’t desperate? What’s all that noise?”
“N-never mind about the noise. Listen, how would you like to help test agreat new... uhm, herbal supplement. It’s a marvellous energy booster. [Lowered voice] Unh! Where did you learn to suck like that?”
“Well, maybe. Does it really work?”
“Absolutely! In less than two weeks you’ll feel like a whole new woman!”
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