“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Caitlin frowned as the audiobook played in her car’s stereo. She had thrown on one of the classics—Dickens, her favourite—to help her relax on her drive home from work, but as she heard those opening lines, she only found herself growing more tense. And after the day she had just had, that was saying something.
She should have realized that work was going to be a fucking nightmare the moment she walked through the door and headed to her floor that morning. She hadn’t gotten three steps towards the elevator when Pamela, the lady at the front desk, called after her.
“Caitlin!” she yelled, her voice shrill and nasally. “Mr. Langton wants to see you in his office.”
She hadn’t been sure what to expect when she greeted her boss a few minutes later, but she had a suspicion that it would be nonsense as usual. The first words out of his mouth all but confirmed it.
“Caitlin, I’ve decided not to run with your article on the missing girls.”
“What!?” she said, her voice incredulous. “That’s outrageous, Tom. The public has a right to know about these disappearances.”
“They do,” he agreed. He walked over to a sideboard and poured himself a glass of whiskey. At 9 in the morning. Caitlin narrowed her eyes. Was it some sort of prerequisite for all editors to have sideboards in their offices—a sort of unspoken adherence to some fondly remembered cliché? He threw the whiskey back and grimaced, then looked at her. “They do,” he repeated. “Which is why I’m getting Lillian to write it.”
“I’m not following you.”
“Lillian writes articles,” he continued. “Whereas you... you write Mensa riddles.”
“Excuse me?”
“Caitlin, the Daily Trumpet is one of the most widely circulated papers in the city. People love us. And do you know why that is? Do you know why we’re holding our own against the rise of blogs and online articles and twitter journalists?”
Caitlin was beginning to feel indignant. Patronized. “Well, I should assume it’s because of our adherence to—”
“It’s because we’re easy to read, Caitlin. We use small words. We get to the point. People read us because they don’t have to work hard to understand us.” He poured another drink. “So when an article comes across my desk, and it’s all ‘recalcitrant’ this and ‘indelible’ that, what am I supposed to do about that? I can barely make sense of your articles. What do you think would happen if Johnny Mullet from Bumfuck lane were to read one of your pieces?”
“If he had any sophistication he’d—”
“I’d tell you what he’d do, Caitlin. He’d very slowly put the paper down, then he’d back away. He’d back away right to the nearest iPad, where he’d check out buzzfeed or msn dot com, and he’d never read another newspaper again.” He held the glass of whiskey out to her. “Drink?”
But she was too outraged to accept his offer. “Mr. Langton,” she said, her voice very cold. “When I endeavour to write an article, I merely use the choicest word to suit any situation. It can’t be helped if certain... troglodytes can’t be—”
“But you just did it!” her editor said. He took a sip from the drink that she had refused, then placed it on his desk. “Just say idiot! Or moron. I’d even settle for imbecile over ‘troglodyte’.” He let out a sigh. “Look, you’re a young, brilliant writer. I get that. But just because you have an IQ of one-hundred-and-smart doesn’t mean you have to always show it off!” He sat down on his desk, next to the drink, and looked at her seriously. “Simplify, Caitlin. It’ll make my life a lot easier, and yours too, come to think of it.”
Caitlin stared at him, eyes narrowed from behind her glasses, and her editor stared back. Simplify? she wanted to yell at him. I’m trying to write meaningful, insightful articles that will change the world, and you want me to simplify? You’re the reason print is dying. But she didn’t say any of that. Instead she just cleared her throat. When she spoke, her voice was calm and even.
“Mr. Langton,” she said. “Are you quite finished?”
After another moment, Tom Langton looked away, draining the rest of his drink. “I suppose I am. Sorry for holding you up, Caitlin.”
So she returned to her desk feeling positively livid, too angry to concentrate on her work for more than a few seconds at a time. Every e-mail that came across her desk, every word from a co-worker, just set her teeth to grinding.
She was amazed she had managed to make it to 5 without yelling at a single person. That had been a small miracle in itself. But now, sitting in the car and listening to Dickens, she found that her mood was only getting worse.
Dickens was a genius, she thought to herself. The man got paid by the word and composed absolutely elegant literary treasures. She tried to imagine how Charles Dickens would feel working in her office. She pictured Langton telling him that Great Expectations was fine and all, but did it have to be so wordy? Despite herself, she gave a bitter laugh at that image.
Nobody would have said that to him, she thought ruefully. People didn’t worry about appealing to the lowest common denominator, or dumbing themselves down for the sake of accessibility. As she pulled into her driveway, she had to ask herself: what kind of age was she living in, where a genius such as herself was being forced to write for a barely literate audience?
Well, it certainly wasn’t “the best of times.” Which only left that one other option.
There were three e-mails waiting for her by the time she barrelled her way through her front door, and none of them did any good in immediately improving her mood.
The first was from Robert.
Hey babe. Had a lot of fun chatting with you over dinner last week. Maybe we can meet again soon? A few of my friends are having a get-together and I know they’d just love you. Anyways, let me know. -R
Her eyes quickly scanned over his message and she frowned in obvious distaste. The dinner to which he was referring had been nothing short of a disaster, in her opinion. The restaurant had been overcrowded, the food had been sub-par, and worst of all, the conversation had been stilted and dull. She had tried to float topic after topic his way, from her interest in classic literature to the modern remounting of La Traviata that was playing later in the month, but it was no use. He had responded to each of them with the same polite bewildered smile, like a deer caught in a particularly confusing set of headlights. She felt less like she had been on a date and more like she had been training a chimp to use sign language.
And now he wanted to meet with her again? To show her off to his friends? She tried to imagine what they could possibly be like. The first image that popped in her head was of Robert’s friends, grouped together and staring slack jawed at her, like the apes at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey gawking up at the Monolith. She gave an involuntary shudder. No thank you.
The second e-mail was from her co-worker Lillian.
Hey!!!! I just talked to Tim... he wanted me to follow up on that missing girls piece you had been working on... hope everything is okay?? Think you could send me some of your notes? Thanks!!
This e-mail she took her time reading, studying each word—each excessive punctuation mark—in stunned disbelief. This was the ignoramus who was going to be re-writing her article? This was the “simple” voice her editor was going for? It was so absurd that she would have laughed, if it wasn’t also so tragic.
The final e-mail was from... well... Caitlin wasn’t exactly sure who. Nor did she care to find out.
Congratulations! FREE TRIAL!
Greetings and salutations! You have been lucky selected for free trial winner of product! Just click here for accept of offer and download will commence soonafter.
YES PLEASE NO THANK YOU
Despite her mood, Caitlin did laugh after reading over this piece of spam that had somehow gotten through her e-mail filters. She shook her head. If this was the state of modern advertising, then humanity was surely doomed. She wondered how long it would be before her editor offered whoever wrote this drivel a job at the Daily Trumpet.
Still chuckling ruefully, she moved her mouse over to the “NO THANK YOU” option, but must have slightly misjudged her mouse sensitivity, because the cursor went straight to “YES PLEASE” as she clicked.
“Oh, god damn it.” No sooner did she click on the icon than the words “Commencing Download” appeared on her screen. She was not about to download some random program onto her hard drive. She tried to cancel but the process was almost instantaneous, and before she could do anything, she was greeted with a new screen. “Download Complete. Installing now.”
“What? No!” Oh, this was just what she needed to finish her day. After putting up with all that nonsense from work, here she was about to install a potentially lethal virus. “Undo, damn you!” she yelled, clicking frantically around the screen as a blue progress bar began to inch its way from one side of the screen to the other. Caitlin had never been particularly proficient at computers, and if she ever had to abort a program installation in the past, there was usually a “cancel install” button to click on. But there was no such option here. Just the blue progress bar, stretching steadily forwards, longer and longer before her eyes.
She wanted to scream. This was unacceptable. She had important files on this computer—unfinished articles and research that she had spent months cultivating. And the manuscript that she had been working on. Her Great American Novel. Work that she had never thought to back up onto another hard drive. And I’m going to lose it all because of one imbecilic e-mail! Caitlin buried her head in her hands and groaned, though before long a pleasant ding!from the computer brought her attention back to the screen.
“Installation complete. Welcome to simplify.exe!”
Caitlin’s frown deepened. She had no idea what this “simplify.exe” was supposed to do, but she didn’t like the sound of it. A second later, the welcome message disappeared and the computer screen went black, causing Caitlin’s heart to nearly leap out if her chest. But before she could panic, a new screen appeared.
This must have been the title screen for the program itself, because the words “SIMPLIFY” bounced in the centre in big pink bubbly letters over a baby blue background. The speakers began to play a happy little tune, the kind Caitlin would have expected to hear playing in front of some insipid kid’s show or gum commercial. Though the screen did instill Caitlin with a small wave of relief—this didn’t look malicious enough to be a computer virus, at least—she still found the whole thing to be tacky and egregious.
“No thank you,” she muttered to herself. She reached forward and hit ALT+F4 on her keyboard, forcing the program to quit.
But nothing happened. The screen just stayed the same, and the jaunty tune continued playing. She pursed her lips and tried again, and again the screen didn’t change.
“Quit, damn you,” she grumbled, trying for a third time. This time something happened, even if it wasn’t the desired effect.
The bubbly “SIMPLIFY” floated off the screen, and was quickly replaced by new text, also in that same bubbly pink font.
“Hello Caitlin, and thanks for agreeing to take the Simplify journey with us! Are you ready to begin?”
Below that text was a single button. It read, “YES! I’M READY!!!” in equally pink writing.
Caitlin stared at her screen for a good long minute. She was anything but ready to begin, and was taken aback that the program knew her name. What other information on the computer did it have access to? She tried ALT+F4 once more, just in case, but when nothing happened, she let out a sigh. It seemed she had no choice. The program didn’t look harmful, and the sooner she went through with whatever it wanted, the sooner she’d be able to quit it and purge it from her computer. She’d be cautious, of course; if the program needed her to do anything unacceptable, like provide credit card details, she’d risk a hard reboot of her system. But hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.
“Alright, fine,” she murmured. “Let’s see what all this nonsense is about.” She took a deep breath, then clicked on “YES! I’M READY!!!”
Immediately, the following words showed on her screen:
“Great! Let’s SIMPLIFY!!!”
The music played a bit louder as a stream of images flashed in front of Caitlin’s screen, each image showing for barely half a second before being replaced by a new image. Kittens playing with a ball of yarn. Pink soap bubbles floating in the air. A baby panda chewing on a too-big piece of bamboo. Caitlin rolled her eyes. It was all the sort of inane drivel that her moronic co-workers would tape to their cubicle walls. A little pug riding on a skateboard. A monkey covering its eyes. A woman lying on a bed, her back arched in lust and ecstasy as a man stood over her, his erect member ready. A baby chick following after its mother. A toddler dressed like a ballerina. A-
Wait.
Caitlin’s brows furrowed. Had she seen that correctly? It had been brief, almost too brief to completely register, but she could have sworn that one of the images had been not like the others. Obscene. Pornographic. She kept watching the parade of images on the screen, looking out for a similarly vulgar picture, but none came. Just the same generic trite. A bouquet of pink flowers. A warm cup of coffee in someone’s hands. A school of colourful fish.
A bitter laugh escaped from Caitlin’s lips. She must have imagined that one image. Maybe it had been a husband and wife playing Twister or something innocent like that, and she just hadn’t had a good enough look at the image. Maybe I’ve had a longer day than I originally suspected, if that’s where my head’s going.
After another minute, the images stopped, and new pink text appeared.
“We’re only getting started, Caitie! Are you having fun? Tell us how you’re feeling!”
Below that, there was a small white box where she was clearly meant to share her thoughts. And she fully intended on doing just that. She cracked her knuckles and began to type.
“As a matter of fact, I am not, as you say, ‘having fun.’ I would, in fact, venture to say that I am thoroughly unimpressed with this whole affair and whatever ludicrousness this program is intended to achieve. I cannot begin to fathom why you saw fit to assault my screen with your barrage of inanity, but the sooner your witless program ends, the happier I’ll be.” She paused, then added, “furthermore, it’s Caitlin, not Caitie, thank you very much.” Caitlin hit return, and a moment later there was a new message.
“But Caitie is so much SIMPLER than Caitlin!” it read. “Don’t worry, Caitie! I promise you’ll have plenty of fun soon!”
This message took Caitlin aback slightly. Had the program... understood what she had typed? She wasn’t aware of any program that sophisticated—certainly nothing that could be obtained from simple spam e-mails. Perhaps there was someone on the other end, replying to her messages. Yes, that made more sense. If anything, that just made her more upset—the idea that someone was doing this to her computer without her permission.
She didn’t have long to linger on that thought, though, because the music on the screen got louder, its pitch more intense, and another wave of images flooded her screen.
A giraffe in a business suit. A cute little toy boat sailing in a big lake. Those same pink bubbles, floating shiny and round in the air. A naked woman bent over, her smooth, glistening ass facing the camera. A strawberry sundae. A-
Now hold it, Caitlin thought to herself. That time she had been sure she saw a naked woman. There was no way she had imagined it. She leaned forward, studying each image as carefully as they flitted past the screen. If there was something obscene going on, she’d catch it. She’d make sure whoever created this program was charged for indecency or -
And that’s when an image came across the screen, and took her by surprise. It wasn’t anything lewd, or inappropriate. It wasn’t even shocking. It was simply a picture of a monkey, hunched over a typewriter.
There was something about that image that resonated with her. Maybe it was the incongruity of the two elements, or something in the picture’s composition. Maybe it had something to do with her own frustrations as a writer who was constantly forced to dumb down her work for other idiots. Or maybe it was just the thoughtful expression on the cute little monkey’s face. But whatever it was, it caught Caitlin off guard, and she let out a surprised little laugh. A laugh that was free of irony or scorn.
She caught herself a moment later, and she frowned and cleared her throat. She was much too upset and indignant to be giggling at insipid little images on her computer screen. She was above that. If she wanted comedy she’d watch the latest Wes Anderson film, not search for it on the internet.
Caitlin was so caught up in her own thoughts that she almost failed to notice the next image to flash across her screen. And this one was obscene.
“Hey!” she cried out loud, but the image had already disappeared, replaced with an astronaut playing golf on the surface of the moon. Damn it all, just what was this program playing at? As more and more images flicked past her vision, she tried concentrate. Tried to think back to what she had seen.
She couldn’t have been 100% sure (that damn monkey picture had distracted her), but she could have sworn that the image had been of a woman... giving a man a blow job.
Was that right? She closed her eyes, trying to block out the steady stream of stimuli that was assaulting her eyes. As the music played around her, she focused on that image. Tried to imagine the muscled man, naked and glistening with sweat, staring down in front of him where a young woman knelt, just as naked, mouth open in pleasure, tongue wrapped around his...
Eyes still closed, Caitlin licked her lips without even realizing it. The image in her head was obscene, yes, but also sensual. The way the two figures came together reminded her, in a strange kind of way, of the risqué statues and renaissance paintings she would occasionally see when she visited art galleries. Not that this image was something you’d find hanging in a gallery. No, it was definitely perverse, but still...
The music played louder, jolting Caitlin from her thoughts, and the image in her head evaporated as she opened her eyes in surprise. She tried to recall the image once more, but the music was making it hard to focus, and the barrage of images on her screen were calling for her attention. Damn it, this was getting even more annoying.
A happy sun peeking out from behind a raincloud. A dalmatian wearing a firefighter helmet. More and more images intended for drooling idiots passed across her eyes. Still she kept watching, waiting for another display of sexuality, so she could be sure that it wasn’t just her imagination.
But no such luck. After about half a dozen more images of nonsense, that same pink bubbly font greeted her.
“Well, Caitie? Are you having fun NOW?”
“What do you think, you stupid program?” she murmured angrily. Again, there was room below for her to leave a comment. She rested her fingers on her keyboard, considering how best to reply. The idea that someone might be on the other end only made it more important that her response be full of that cutting wit she prided herself on.
But damn it, the music made it hard for her to concentrate on her writing. She had a hard enough time listening to music she enjoyed when she was trying to write, and this annoying muzak was five times worse. Still, she grit her teeth, and went about trying to craft her response.
“I’m not sure if you’re deaf or just plain stupid, but for the last time it’s CAITLIN! And no. Im not having fun, for your information! This is stupid.” She paused, looking over what she had typed. No good. She had used the word “stupid” twice in close succession. That wouldn’t do. She hit backspace a half dozen times and tried again. “This is idiotic!” Better. “I’m angry and disgusted that you would think ANYONE would enjoy this stupid-” Damn it, she had used “stupid” again. Backspace backspace backspace. “this foolish program, let alone myself. These images are obtuse. The music is annoying and vapid. Whoever made this program is moronic, imbecilic, and-” She paused again, frowning at the screen. She needed another word for stupid, but she was running out of synonyms. Normally vocabulary wasn’t a problem for her, but this fucking music was making it so hard to focus on her writing. Come on, think. What’s another good word for... oh! I’ve got it! She furiously pounded out the next word keystroke by keystroke.
“-and DUMB!!!!” she finished. She sat back and read over what she had written, crinkling her face as she did so. Well it wasn’t exactly Wordsworth, but it would have to do. She hit return and crossed her arms in front of her as she waited to see how the program would react.
She didn’t have to wait long.
“Whoops!” came the pink bubbly reply. “Sorry you’re not having fun yet! We’ll have to try harder!”
“No,” Caitlin said out loud to the screen. “Don’t try harder! Just stop!” As if on cue, the music picked up speed and was accompanied by another flurry of images.
Caitlin groaned. What the hell was going on? What the fuck was the point of this stupid program? It was so dumb. She didn’t want to look at these stupid pictures. She just wanted to be done with the whole thing.
More pictures. This time, each image seemed to linger for a while, as if asking that Caitlin studied them in more detail. A sandcastle by the beach, about to get swept away by an approaching wave. A goldfish looking out from a tiny bowl. An angry cat getting a bath, face devoid of amusement as pink soap bubbles popped around her... okay, that picture was a little funny, Caitlin had to admit. She gave a little involuntary laugh.
The next picture wasn’t quite as funny, but it was pretty cute nonetheless: a gorilla falling asleep with a kitten in its arms. Caitlin was half-temped to let out an “aww,” but stopped herself. Just because something was admittedly adorable didn’t mean she had to coo like an idiot. Still, she allowed herself a smile at the image. It wasn’t very often that one saw gorillas and cats interacting, which she supposed made the picture unique in that regard as well.
The next image was of an ice cube melting on a table. Caitlin rolled her eyes, disappointed. Compared to the previous two, this one was boring. Why did this stupid program think that such an image would at all appeal to her? The image seemed to linger for an extra long time as she impatiently waited for the next one to show up.
Eventually the image did change, and Caitlin smiled with relief. Finally, she thought to herself, curious about what would be shown next. She hoped it wouldn’t be another boring one. Honestly, if I have to sit through any more of those I might just give up and get a new computer.
The next picture was another funny one, thank god. It was of a plumber leaning forward, inspecting the underside of a sink. Only his pants were riding low, and his butt crack was visible. A little crude? Perhaps. But Caitlin laughed anyways despite herself, likely more out of relief that it wasn’t another boring one.
Up next was a picture of a sinking ship, and Caitlin let out a frustrated groan. Another stupid boring one, she thought ruefully. What a dumb program. Hopefully the next one will be funny. Or cute.
But she was disappointed when the next image were just of more pink bubbles. “Ugh, come on!” she shouted. “This is boring!” Sure, the bubbles looked pretty in their own way, but if she wanted to look at dumb bubbles she’d go see Cirque du Soleil or whatever. She was considering simply unplugging her computer to stop all the boring images when those same pink words appeared on her screen.
“How about now, Caitie? Are you having fun yet!?”
“NO!!!!!” was her immediate and vehement response. She nodded to herself as she allowed herself to really go to town on these dummies. “Im not having fun because these pictures are BORING! If you weren’t so STUPID youd know to put better pictures, like maybe something CUTE or FUNNY ever think about that? And also your music is SO BAD!!! Its for really stupid people... kind of like YOU!”
She allowed herself a small smile at that last little dig. Sure, maybe it was needlessly cutting, but Caitlin felt justified. After all, she wasn’t the one who asked to be part of this stupid program. She hit return, feeling proud of herself for showing the program who was boss.
“You want less boring?” the reply read. “Okay, I think we can do that, Caitie!”
Caitlin smiled happily, relieved that the stupid program was finally listening to her. Maybe it won’t be so bad now, she thought to herself. Maybe the pictures might actually be nice to look at.
And sure enough, the first image was a definite improvement. It showed a man in a fancy suit, his expression scrunched up as a pie collided into his face. Caitie burst out laughing at that. Finally! she thought to herself as her giggling died down. How hard was that? Maybe now she could finally enjoy herself.
“That’s more like it!” she said aloud, not sure if anyone could actually hear her, but not really caring.
The next picture was even better. A bloodhound was staring into a fan, and the wind was blowing its heavy jowls backwards, giving the dog a very comical appearance. Caitie’s giggle was louder than any that had come before it, and she pressed her hands together in delight. That dog was so cute! She could only imagine how silly that dog must have felt, and it made her giggle even more.
“Better!” she said again. “I like that one!”
Another picture, but when Caitlin saw it the laughter died in her throat. It was two women lying naked on a bed together, one thin and one curvy. The thin one had her hand on the curvy one’s ass, fingers pressing deeply into her soft flesh. The curvy one, meanwhile, was bent over, nuzzling her face between the thin one’s breasts...
“Uhhh...” Caitlin said, at a loss for words. She had thought that there had been something obscene going on with these pictures, but seeing it now after the funny and cute pictures was nonetheless still very jarring. She felt that she should have been outraged, but she was honestly more taken back than anything.
The picture lingered for several seconds, and Caitlin stared at it. Stared at the two women doing inappropriate things to each other. It was filthy. It was perverse. And it certainly had no business being on her computer screen.
Still, she couldn’t look away. As loathe as she was to admit it, there was something about the picture that was appealing. She supposed maybe it was the expression on the thin one’s face—how happy she looked. Caitlin tried to remember the last time she had been happy like that with a lover. It had been a long time, she knew. She frowned. She didn’t like the idea that some dumb slutty woman was happier than her. It made her upset, and frustrated, and-
Another image. A chipmunk with its mouth absolutely stuffed with nuts, cheeks bulging. This was enough to cheer Caitlin up and she let out another uproarious laugh. “That’s a lot of nuts in its mouth!” she said out loud, then laughed again when she realized she had just made a clever double-entendre.
She was still laughing when the pink speech returned.
“How was that, Caitie?”
Caitlin allowed her laughter to die down before replying.
“Okay yea that was a BIT more like it. The squirel was prety funny and I liked the dog to. BUT WTF was with the two ladies!?? That was inaproprate.” She hit return.
This time when the reply came, there was still more space for her to write a reply.
“Inappropriate, Caitie? Why do you say that?”
“Um,” she said aloud as she considered the question. Why did she find those images inappropriate? Was it because the ladies were both naked? Surely that couldn’t be right. After all, she had always been able to admire the artistic nudes of Francisco de Goya, Édouard Manet, and... and that other guy. The Italian sculptor. Mike something. How was this any different? Still, she had to type something.
“Its inapropate becuz not everone wants to see naked people when they shud be lookin at CUTE or FUNNY things!” She paused as she considered how she felt about the image. How it made her feel. “OK maybe its not all bad i mean some if it is prety sexxy like how the 1 ladys ass was nice and curvy like a good famus paiting but STILL!!!! Its inaprporate becuz-” She paused again, unsure how to continue. What was it she was trying to say? She tried to focus on the point she was trying to make, but that dumb music was making it hard to concentrate. “-becuz its DUMB!!!” she finished, then read over what she had written.
Caitie pursed her lip into a pout. She didn’t feel she had quite expressed her feelings as effectively as she would have liked, so she added a few more exclamation points to the end, hoping that her conviction would more than make up for it. Then she hit return.
“Okay Caitie, I hear you loud and clear! Would something like this be better?”
Below the pink text was another image. Another lady, her body looking so soft and inviting, was reclined in a lounge chair. Her skirt and panties were pulled down around her ankles, and her white tank top was lifted above her heaving breasts. One of the lady’s hands was tweaking a pink nipple, while her other hand was lower, between her legs, pressed deeply against her sex. On the woman’s face was an expression of gentle bliss as she bit her bottom lip with her eyes closed.
Caitie licked her own lips as she stared at the image. This was... this was nice. There was no denying that it was easy on the eyes, but the lustful passion in the woman’s face sent a shiver of excitement through Caitie’s body. She could feel—to her utter embarrassment—her own panties growing damp. She shifted a little in her seat, hoping the motion would be enough to satisfy the small itch in her loins. It definitely helped as she gently rocked her hips back and forth.
“mm,” she murmured. Her eyes drank in as much of the picture as it could as she continued to work her hips. That lady looked so nice and pretty. So happy. So hot. Caitie traced a finger from her own flushed cheeks to her neck, and then down further to her sternum, where it lingered for a moment as she breathed heavily. Caitie absently fiddled with the top button of her blouse before she realized that there was space under the image for her to offer a comment. To answer the program’s question.
“Ya! Thats more like it... much better! This is a good pic... nice and sexxy to look at not liek the other DUMB pics!” She considered hitting return at that moment, but decided to press on. After all, she was never one to shy away from an in-depth analysis or critique.
“i liek how her breasts are nice and sexxy and soft and i also like teh way shes playin with hersef its a nice tuch. U should show moer pix liek this one. Moer FUNNY and CUTE and SEXXY pix OKAY!??? No stupid dum BORINGE ONES!!!!!”
She hit return, feeling satisfied with herself. It was nice to be heard for a change, to feel like her opinions actually mattered. Maybe she had misjudged this program after all. Only time would tell. Depends how good these next pictures are! she told herself. Depends on if they’re nice and funny and cute and sexy! That would be nice!
“Funny. Cute. Sexy,” the pink font responded. “You got it, Caitie!”
The program didn’t disappoint. The next image might have been the funniest picture yet! It was of a fat lady sitting down on a whoopee cushion. Oh, that’s great! Caitie thought. To make matters better, there was even a small farting sound effect that played on the speakers when the image popped up. That was a nice little surprise. Caitie giggled and clapped her hands. This is so funny! I love it!
She laughed and laughed until the image switched, and her laughter almost immediately morphed into an “awwwwww.” The image was of a baby sloth wearing a hat that was many sizes too big for it. That’s soo cute! Caitie thought, leaning forward and smiling.
From there, the image changed to that of a young woman straddling a man while two other men stood to either side of her, their erect members clutched in her hands. Caitie bit her lip as she studied the oily surface of the woman’s bare breasts. Her full, luscious lips. The hard, rigid dicks she held. Oh my god, that is sooo sexy! Caitie squirmed in her seat, gyrating her hips in a futile attempt to control a growing craving within her. She felt constrained in her clothes, brought a hand up and undid the top button of her blouse. That felt... better. But it wasn’t quite enough. The craving was still there.
All too soon, the image was replaced by that same bubbly font.
“Was that better, Caitie? How are you feeling?”
“im feelin GOOD!!!!” she typed, still gently rocking her hips. “those pix were teh best ones!! sooooo much beter than the stupd bornge ones!!! tey were soooo funy and cute and SEXXXY!!!! only 1 problm i want MOOOOOORE.” She giggled to herself, then bit her lip. “serusly, thos pix made me HORNY lol!!!” As soon as she typed those words, she blushed. She knew that that was probably too much information, not to mention grossly beneath her to be admitting, but she didn’t care. She was fucking horny, and wanted more sexy pictures, pride be damned. She hit return without another moment’s hesitation.
“Of course, Caitie! Very soon! But first... are you ready to SIMPLIFY?”
Below that, there were two options. One was labeled “YES! LET’S SIMPLIFY!” and the other said “NOT YET.”
“Ummmm,” Caitie said out loud, suddenly a bit unsure of herself. She didn’t know what the silly pink writing meant by Simplify. It didn’t sound dangerous or anything, but she was nonetheless hesitant. But then again, the pink letters also promised her more sexy pics, so there was that, at least. After a moment’s hesitation, she clicked on the “YES! LET’S SIMPLIFY!” button.
“That’s great, Caitie!” the bubbly pink letters read. “First thing’s first, why don’t you tell us about your job?”
Caitie frowned at the blank writing space in momentary confusion. “My... my job?” she repeated, reading the word out loud. For a moment she had to think to remember what her job was, but as soon as she did she scrunched up her face into a pout of distaste. Oh right. Her job. Writing dumb articles for her stupid editor. Memories of her argument from earlier in the day came flooding back as she began to type.
“I HATE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!! serisly everone is soooooooo STUPIDDDD epesally my BIG DUMM EDTOR!!!! hes jus jelous bcus im sooo much smartr then everone else an my arcles r 2 SMART 4 HIM!!!!!!” She felt her heart beating with exhilaration as she typed. It felt so liberating to fully express all her frustrations. “He is a BIG STUPED DUMMY and not SEXXY he is UGLY!!!!!!!”
After sending her reply, she found herself nearly breathless with excitement, waiting to see how the pink bubbly words would reply. It only took a moment.
“Wow, Caitie! That doesn’t sound fun! Would you like to tell him how you feel?”
Below the words, there was another button to click on. It read, “VIDEO CHAT WITH TOM LANGTON”.
Caitie hovered her cursor over the button, then paused. Did she want to tell him what she thought of him? She felt like maybe she shouldn’t. Like it would be a bad idea. But then again, it had felt pretty nice sharing her thoughts here. She could only imagine how much more nice it would feel to tell the big dummy how she felt to his face. She clicked on the button.
Caitie waited, her heart hammering in her chest, as the music on the speakers was replaced with the sound of a ringing phone. She was really doing it. She was really going to give her dumb boss a piece of her mind. She began to think twice about it. Oh no, this is a bad idea! I’ll get in a lot of trouble! I should-
“Hello?” A new window opened on her screen, and she could see her editor staring at her from what looked like a home office. He had a look of vague confusion on his face. “Caitlin, is that you? Is everything okay?”
“Ummmm...” Damn it, it was too late to back out now. What the hell was she supposed to say to him? “Hi!”
“Hello...” Tom replied, eyeing her uncertainly. There was a long silence as Caitie smiled at him. Finally, he cleared his throat. “Was there anything you wanted to speak to me about?”
“Oh. Um, ya.” She took on a serious expression and straightened in her chair. Well, there was no use putting it off any longer. She looked directly at the camera above her own computer. “Ummmm, there’s, like, something I wanted to tell you?”
On the other end of the line, her editor sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Look, maybe you should wait a day or so before you say anything you might regret. I know you were upset this morning, and it sounds like you’ve been drinking...”
“Huh?” Caitie scrunched up her face, confused. She hadn’t been drinking. Why would he say that she had? She felt a flash of annoyance at his words. Ugh, he’s sooo dumb!
“Why don’t we discuss this in a few days, once we’ve both had a chance to clear our heads? Is that alright, Caitlin?”
“No!” she yelled, and pouted. She didn’t want to wait to tell him how she felt. “I want to talk now!”
Another long pause, followed by another sigh from her editor. “Alright, Caitlin. If you insist. What was it you wanted to tell me?”
“Ummm...” She wanted to make sure she worded this perfectly. After all, it’s not every day one got to tell off their boss. She had to really nail this. “I wanted to tell you... that you’re really really stupid!”
The shock was plain on her boss’ face. “What?”
“Ya!” she replied, feeling her confidence building. “You’re sooooo stupid and dumb! And the whole paper is dumb! And, like, everyone who works for the paper is super duper dumb!” She gasped as inspiration struck her. “Oh! And they’re all gross and ugly and none of them are sexy!”
She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest, feeling triumphant. Her boss, meanwhile, pinched the bridge of his nose and scrunched up his face.
“Look, Caitlin,” he said, sounding very tired. “I don’t know what you’re playing at. What esoteric ironic message you’re trying to make, but can we just assume your bit of masterclass theatre is above my simian brain and call it a night? We can talk tomorrow properly.”
Caitie frowned. Eso-what? What the heck was he babbling about? “Ummm, I’m not done yet!” She cast her eyes about the room, trying to think of another insult. Something that’d really cut deep. She gasped as inspiration hit. “You smell like a big piece of poop and also you probably have a reeeeeeally small penis!” She giggled at her own merciless one-two punch.
For his part, her editor’s only reply was a very slow blink as she smirked at him triumphantly. Finally, he cleared his throat. “So, this is... what? Your letter of resignation? Is that what you’re telling me?”
Caitie opened her mouth, but then hesitated. Resignation? That meant, like, that she’d be quitting? Careful, Caitie! she told herself. Are you totally absolutely super duper sure you want to be quitting?
She didn’t have to think about it too hard before she knew her answer.
“Ya!” she cried, putting her hands on her hips. “I quit, Mr. Stupid Ugly! Good luck trying to find a smarty like me to write your dumb stupid newspaper stories!” And with that, the feed went black, the conversation over, and that same bouncy music resumed.
“That was great!” said the pink writing. “Great job, Cayti! You sure showed him! How do you feel?”
Caitie thought about it for a second. How did she feel? Excited for sure. Scared and uncertain? A little. But more than anything, she just felt relief.
“I feel GRATE!!!” she typed. “That is a dumm job 4 dummy stupd peepol and now i am FREEEEEE lol!!!” A thought crossed her mind, and she bit her lip mischievously. “I do what u say. Can i hav a treet? mor SEXXXY pix plz?”
When the pink bubbly words reappeared, Caitie had to squint to make out what they said. They were kind of... fuzzy. Hard to decipher, like a language that was almost English but not quite. Maybe it’s just my glasses making it hard to see good, she thought to herself. She flung her glasses off and blinked at the screen. That helped a little, but it was still tricky. She moved her lips as she read along to the words.
“Sure thing, Cayti!” the text read. “We still have lots to do but I think you’ve earned a fun little break.”
Caitie practically squealed with delight as the next image popped up. Oh, this one was good. It was a tanned lady with platinum blonde hair. She wasn’t wearing a shirt, and Caitie could see that her boobs were huge. The sexy tanned lady was lifting one of these humongous hooters to her own mouth where she licked at a hard nipple. Her other hand was trailing down her soft pillowy stomach towards her itty bitty g-string that didn’t cover anything up.
Caitie continued to grind her hips against the seat of her chair. That’s soooo sexy and hot. She felt flustered, undid another few buttons of her blouse. Then she looked down at her own modest cleavage and pouted. For the first time in her life she found herself wishing her boobies could be nice and big and soft so that she could rub them and lick them and massage them just like the sexy lady in the picture. Oooh, or maybe I’d get other people to lick them and massage them. That’d be so much fun! She closed her eyes and imagined herself surrounded by men and women, each of them admiring her magnificent titties. A soft moan escaped her lips.
“Mmmm,” she cooed. She rubbed one hand against her chest, cupping her meagre handful and squeezing ever so delicately. Her other hand traveled lower, seeking to satisfy a long-neglected part of her. She slipped her fingers past the waistband of her skirt, then into her drenched panties. “ohhh.” Her fingers worked the soft moistness of her womanhood, light and teasing at first but then more insistent with each twitch of her finger. Fuck, it felt so good! She couldn’t remember the last time she had pleasured herself like this. Couldn’t say why that was the case. All she knew was that she had been missing out.
In her fantasy she was lying in the middle of a large bed, surrounded by men and women. They reached out and stroked her body, her lips, tweaked her nipples, nibbled her bum. “Oh fuck yes,” she muttered as she continued to touch herself, imagining that it was someone else’s fingers between her trembling legs. Maybe the pretty lady with the tan and the blonde hair and the big boobies from the picture, she thought to herself. She’s sooo sexy.
Caitie wriggled out of her skirt so that she was only wearing her white cotton panties from the waist down. She spread her legs and brought her other hand down to join the first as her fantasy grew in intensity. Now the men and women were advancing on her, the men with their cocks out for her to hold and rub and taste and suck, while the women played with her titties and pussy. Mmm, everybody wants to fuck me because I’m such a sexy horny lady who’s super pretty and smart and my titties are the best and-
She was jolted from her fantasy by an urgent notification on her computer. “Mm- wha?” She blinked her eyes open rapidly as she came back down to reality. “Ugh! No fair!” She pouted. She was sooo close to an orgasm. She could feel it.
Caitie glanced at her computer screen, trying to make out what the notification was saying. She had to read slowly and carefully, sounding the words out as she read. “In.... c-com-ing... vid... eeeoo... call... fr-from... Rrr... row... bert?” Oh! A video call from Robert!
Caitie sat a little straighter in her chair and smiled. This was great. His timing couldn’t be better! I’ll talk to him and tell him how horny I am and then maybe he’ll come over and we’ll have sex! She found herself just getting aroused from the idea alone.
She clicked on “Accept Call” and waited for the computers to connect. As she waited, she could see herself in the window that displayed her end of the video call. She wondered if it was obvious that she had just been pleasuring herself. Her brown hair—normally tied back in a modest bun—was draped and disheveled around her shoulders. Her glasses were nowhere to be found. The top half of her blouse had been undone, revealing some of her white bra beneath. She considered doing her top up but decided against it; she kind of looked good with her top the way it was. Sexy.
She was also satisfied to notice that even though she was only wearing her panties, you couldn’t tell from the video screen. This made her giggle a little—it felt like she had a super important secret that no one else knew. In fact... she bit her lip, then slipped her left hand back between her thighs. She looked at the screen, in case it was obvious that she was currently touching herself. But no, it just looked like her hand was resting on her lap. Robert would never know what she was doing. Oh, she was so naughty!
And not a moment too soon, the video feed from Robert’s computer went live, displaying a young man in his late 20s with nicely groomed hair and a tidy amount of stubble. Caitie smiled. Robert. She thought back on their previous date, how he had been such a dummy when she had tried to talk about super smart important things like plays or whatever. Somehow, that didn’t seem to bother her as much on reflection. Who cares if he’s not super smart like me? He’s hot! And he doesn’t need to be smart to fuck good, right? She stroked a finger along the dripping folds of her sex as she imagined fucking Robert’s brains out. Her eyelids drooped and she let out a barely audible moan.
“Caitlin?” Her eyes snapped open as Robert called her name, a polite smile on his face. “Did I call at a bad time? You look a bit... were you sleeping?”
“Hi Robert!” Caitie gave him a big grin. She was so happy to hear from him. Couldn’t wait to feel him inside her. That would be just what she needed. “You didn’t call at a bad time! This is a great time!”
“Oh yeah?” He let out a laugh. “That’s good to hear.”
Caitie didn’t know exactly why he had laughed, but she giggled along with him, just in case he had made a joke that she hadn’t understood. She giggled long and hard, and once she got going it was hard to stop. Her laughter continued long after Robert’s little laugh had stopped.
By the time her own giggling had died down, Robert was just staring at her, that same polite smile on his face. But there was something underneath it. An uncomfortable confusion.
“Er, yes,” he finally said as Caitie continued to smile at him. “Anyways, I hope you don’t mind that I’m calling you. I know I already sent you an e-mail, and I certainly don’t want to come on too strongly, but I saw that you were online and I just thought... what the hell, right? Carpe diem and all that.”
“Um, ya!” Caitie replied, not really following. “Carpe Diaz!” She was more than a little distracted with pleasuring herself, but she was happy to simply nod along as Robert kept talking. Assuming, that is, he would actually get to the point and ask to come over and fuck her. The sooner the better. She was horny.
“Anyways,” Robert said after another second, “I just wanted to let you know that I had a great time last week. It’s rare that I ever get a chance to talk to a woman who can really challenge me intellectually. It’s... well, it’s refreshing is what it is. Most girls I’ve gone on dates with have all been pretty faces but total airheads. Not like you.” He gave her an expectant grin.
“Huh?” Caitie hadn’t really been paying attention. She had gotten a little lost imagining herself bent over as he took her from behind, and now her left hand was slick with her juices as she continued to rub herself. But he was giving her a look like it was her time to say something. “Ummm, I had, like, a great time with you, Robbie! You were so hot and funny and cute and sexy!”
Robert laughed at that, and Caitie giggled along. “Yeah, exactly!” he said. “Well, maybe they weren’t that ditzy, but you’ve got the right idea. The point is, I had a great time, and I’d love to see you again.”
Caitie smiled a big excited grin at that. Yes! she thought to herself. He wants to come over! Come over and fuck me with his big hard dick. Mmm, this is going to be so fun. Unseen by her computer’s camera, her fingers continued to work at her pussy and she had to hold back a moan.
“Ya!” she agreed, nodding emphatically. “That sounds, like, super great! What time do you want to come over to my place?”
He laughed again, only that uncertainty—that vague sense of confusion—had returned.
“Oh, well I didn’t mean tonight, per se. I’m having a little soiree at my place on Friday, and I’d love to show you off to my friends.”
Caitie pouted at that. Friday!? she thought with horror. But today’s only Monday! That’s like... one... two... ummm... that’s a lot of days from now! Even though she did like the idea of being shown off in front of all of Robert’s friends (in fact, just thinking about it got her fingers wriggling all that faster), she knew there was no way she’d be able to wait that long.
“Ugh!” she yelled, rolling her eyes. “That’s too long, Robbie! Come over nooooooooow!” She dragged out that last syllable for emphasis. “I promise that we could have lots and lots of fun!” Caitie licked her lips playfully and gave a seductive giggle.
Now, Robert’s laugh was much less heartfelt. More the laugh of someone who didn’t know exactly what the joke was, but who wanted to look like they were in on it nonetheless.
“Well, huh,” he said. He scratched his stubble as Caitie continued to lick her lips in his direction. “As, ha ha, tempting as that sounds, I’m busy tonight.” He hesitated, then added, “You don’t have to keep doing that voice, you know.”
“Ummm, what voice, Robbie?” Caitie asked, cocking her head to one side. Ugh, this was taking too long! What was wrong with him? Why wasn’t he coming over right now to fuck her? She supposed she had been maybe a bit too subtle thus far, and decided a change of tact was in order. “Are you suuuuure you’re too busy?”
“Uh, yeah,” he replied. Now his polite smile was gone, and his lips were very thin. “Listen, maybe I should go and—”
“Noooo,” Caitie whined. “Don’t go! Come over!” Her hand was moving up and down frantically now, and a quick glance at her own side of the video screen showed that her self-pleasure was no longer completely hidden. She didn’t care. She was through being coy. “Come over and fuck me, Robbie! Come over and play with your Cayti Kats!”
Robert opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. He tried again. “Um.”
“Come over and let’s fuck!” she elaborated. “You can put your big hard cock in my mouth and my ass and my pussy and lick my titties! It’ll be fun, Robbie!” To sweeten the deal, Cayti reached up and cupped one breast, giving it a little squeeze.
Robert was frowning now. “Okay, listen,” he said. “Did I... offend you in some way? When I made that comment about past relationships being airheads?”
“Whattya mean, Robbie?” Cayti pursed her lips, still clutching her breast with her free hand. “Why would that be, like, offensive?” She pouted. “I don’t care about any of that, I just wanna fuck!”
“Yeah, okay,” Robert said, his voice very quiet. “I get it. I’m sorry I said anything. Can we please move on?”
Cayti’s eyes suddenly filled with hope. “Move on? Does this mean, like, you’ll come over and fuck me? Fuck your Cayti Kats?”
But Robert didn’t reply. Didn’t even look at her. He was just staring down at his own hands, his jaw working soundlessly, like he was working through a complicated math problem and it was making him mad.
“Robbie?” Cayti called. “Helloooooo? Like, earth to Robbie! I’m hoooooorny! Come over! Come over and f—”
“Okay, stop it!” Robert yelled. He slammed his palm against the surface of his desk. Cayti was so taken aback that she even stopped pleasuring herself. “I don’t know why you’re doing this. I said I was sorry. If that’s not enough for you, then I don’t know what else to tell you. But stop it. I won’t have you make a fool out of me, Caitlin. I just won’t.”
“Ummmm,” Cayti didn’t know what to say. Why was Robbie being such a grumpy meanie? She scrunched her face as she tried to think hard about what was going on. What had just happened. “So... does this mean... you’re not going to come over?”
There was a long pause as Robert sighed. “No. I’m not fucking going to come over. And you can forget about Friday, too. Goodbye, Caitlin.” Before she could protest, the call ended.
Cayti just sat there, dumbfounded, one hand clutching her breast and her other still slipped inside her. She had no clue what had just happened, but all she knew was that it had somehow gone very, very wrong. I don’t unnerstand!she thought to herself. Why didn’t we fuck? I thought we were gonna fuck!
She glanced at the computer screen and saw with a small trill of excitement that the pink bubbly words were back. She liked those words. They were so bouncy and fun! But when she tried to read them she only got more frustrated. The words were being meanies too, just like Robbie had been! They were being hard to read which was no fun and meant she had to think super extra hard to figure out what they said.
She scrunched up her face and focused on the first group of letters. Come on Cayti! You’re a great reading person! You can do this! “Wwuh... hot... sss...” Cayti let out a groan. Wuh-hots? That wasn’t a word! The bubbly letters weren’t just being meanies, but they were being stupid dummies too! They didn’t even know how to be proper words!
She didn’t even bother with the second group of letters. She saw that there was space for her to reply, so she just went ahead to do that, her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth, so focused was she on her task at hand.
“i dno y u s supd u mak no sints!!!!! u mk hrad 2 REEEEED so DMMMMY! u bad wods”
She hit return, giggling at her own witty insults. Her giggles were cut off by a gasp of surprise when a soft, calming voice issued forth from the computer.
“Is this better, Kayti?” the voice asked.
“Whaaa!” Cayti nearly fell back from her chair. She gaped at the computer, mouth hanging open. “Omigod! My computer can, like, talk?”
“Kind of!” the voice replied. “I’m not your computer. I’m just the program you installed, but don’t worry about that!”
Cayti nodded, mouth still hanging open. She decided that not worrying about it was probably the smartest option, especially since her computer was talking in super duper complicated nerdy words.
“Anywho,” the voice continued. “I noticed that you look sad! Is everything okay, Kayti?”
“No it’s not, Mr. Computer!” Cayti pouted. “I’m sad!”
“Why’s that?”
“Because Robbie was a meanie who didn’t want to fuck me and I’m, like, super horny right now!”
“Aww, I’m sorry to hear that!” the voice replied. “Why do you think that is?”
“Ummm,” Cayti put a finger to her lip as she thought hard about it. “I dunno! Maybe cause my boobies aren’t nice and big like they should be.” She reached down and clutched both breasts, giving a frown of disappointment at how boring and small they were. “Orrr, like, maybe it’s cause my ass isn’t nice and squishy?” She stood up and turned to show off her bum to the computer, covered only in her damp panties. It was small and cute but boring, just like her boobies. “Ooh, or maybe it’s cause my lips aren’t big and soft to give the bestest blowjobs!” She pushed her lips out into a ducky kissy face. “Shee?” she said, pointing to them. “Deyre sho shmaw!”
“If you like,” the voice said slowly, “we can fix that.”
“Umm, whattya mean?” Cayti asked, sitting back down.
“Would you like a nicer body, Kayti? Bigger breasts, a jigglier ass? Nice, sexy lips? A body that men would find irresistible?”
“Ummm,” Cayti tilted her head to one side. All those things sounded so nice and fun! But it also didn’t make a lot of sense. “But... but you’re just a silly computer! You can’t do any of those things you just said!”
The voice on the other end let out a soft laugh. It was so weird, hearing a computer laugh. Cayti giggled nervously along with it.
“Oh, Kayti,” the voice finally said. “I’m so much more than that. And I can make your wishes come true. Give you that nice sexy body you want! All you have to do is tell me.”
Cayti thought about it for a moment. “Like... like all those sexy ladies in the pictures you showed?”
“Exactly like them, Kayti!” the computer said. “You can be fun and sexy just like the ladies in the pretty pictures. Maybe if you’re extra super good we can put some pictures of you in there! Wouldn’t that be fun?”
Cayti was about to respond, but then hesitated. As interested as she was, she could also tell that there was something strange about all this. She knew that this was no small decision, and she had to give it as much thought as possible if she was going to make the right choice.
On the one hand, that does sound like fun, Cayti thought to herself. But I dunno, this all sounds super duper weird! A computer that can make me look super sexy? I didn’t even know computers could talk! What’s next, talking monkeys? She giggled at her own joke. Ha ha, that would be sooo funny! What would the monkeys even say? “Ooh ooh, I want a banana!” Ha ha stupid monkeys are sooo silly and they love to eat big bananas. Ha ha bananas are funny too, since they’re big and long, kind of like a nice big cock! Mm, and they’re tasty too, just like cocks! Oh boy, I could go for one right now. A cock, that is. Well, maybe a banana too, they’re both so yummy. But ya a cock would be great! Ooh, or maybe a few! One in my mouth, one in my pussy, and one in each hand. Mmm, that would be fun! Ooh, and maybe some ladies could join in and play with my titties... yeah, that would be niiice... mmm, and oh, maybe someone could nibble on my nipples while someone else fingers me and another person comes all over my face... mmm, ooh yeah, that would be niiiiice.... oh, and then two more men can come in and-
“Kayti?” the computer called out.
Cayti’s eyes snapped open—she hadn’t even noticed that she had closed them. She looked down and saw that she had been furiously fingering herself as she fantasized about being the centre of a massive orgy.
“Well, Kayti?” the voice pressed. “Whattya say?”
“Ummm...” What had she been thinking about? Something about having nice boobies? Heck, that sounded great! Why she had been hesitant about the idea, she had no clue.
“Ya!” Kayti said excitedly. “Let’s do it!”
“You got it, Kayti!” the voice replied. “Now let’s Simplify!”
Kayti looked around, not sure if she should be doing anything. “So, ummmm, what should I—oooohhhhhh...” And that’s when she felt it. A strange tingly feeling all over her body, prickly and tickly all at once. She squirmed in her seat, braced both her hands against her desk. It didn’t exactly hurt, but it wasn’t pleasant either. “oohh, no I d-don’t like this Mr. Computer! It feels all w-weird!”
“It’s gonna get a little weirder before it stops,” the computer said, “but it’ll be worth it! Now, let’s start with the boobs!”
Beads of sweat broke out along Kayti’s body as she panted. The prickly tickly feeling was getting stronger in her chest, and she felt her nipples harden from under her bra. “T-too much... oooh... s-stop...” She brought a hand up to her chest and quickly undid the last remaining buttons of her blouse. And not a moment too soon, because as soon as the last button was undone the tickly prickly feelings intensified and she pitched forward, hands again pressed against the desk.
“Aghh... I feel... funny... like... ooooohhhhhh!”
Her breasts slowly grew outwards, pressing against the fabric of her bra. Kayti gasped in a mixture of pleasure, pain, and above all surprise. Omigosh! My boobies are getting bigger!
“Wha...? How?” She brought a shaky hand up to her slowly growing breasts, giving them a tentative squeeze. At this point their growth was small, not even a cup size of difference. But the felt different. And she could feel that they were still growing.
“Don’t worry about how it’s happening, Kayti! Just enjoy it!”
“E-enjoy?” She looked to the computer screen, then back to her breasts. They seemed to pulse slightly as they grew, pale flesh beginning to pooch over her bra. It was all so strange—almost scary, in fact—but there was no denying that she was getting what she had asked for. Mr. Computer is right! I should be happy!
Her bra was beginning to feel constricting, so she shrugged out of her blouse and undid her clasp. Her bra fell away, and she breathed a sigh of relief as her boobies spilled outward, their growth unimpeded. That felt better.
Now clad in just a pair of panties, Kayti stared in bewildered wonder as her breasts inched forward, her hard pink nipples on the front lines, battle standards paving the way of this mesmerizing expansion. She bit her lip and leaned back in her chair. “Lookit my boobies, Mr. Computer! They’re getting bigger’n bigger!”
“Lookin’ good, Kayti!” the voice replied.
Kayti giggled at the compliment, then reached up to feel her growing breasts. They were so soft and sensitive, and she moaned as her fingers brushed against them. They weren’t just getting bigger, she noticed. They were getting fatter and rounder too! At this point, both of her tits sat heavy in her hands like squishy water balloons, flesh spilling out between her fingers.
Feeling adventurous, Kayti reached out and pinched one of her nipples hard. She nearly blacked out from the intense pleasure that resulted. “Ohmigod! I feel, like, soooooo sexy!”
“Well, you look sexy, Kayti!” the computer replied. “Smile for the camera!”
Kayti looked up at the camera above her computer and grinned. She hefted one of her breasts up and was delighted to notice that they were now big enough to reach her face! Eyes still on the camera, she ran her tongue along the surface of her tit, then held that pose for the camera.
“Wow, that’s great, Kayti! You’re a natural! One more?”
Kayti giggled proudly, then struck another pose. Her legs splayed wide, she sat up straight and pinched both her nipples between her thumb and forefingers. She drooped her eyes and licked her lips seductively. Fuck, just thinking about other people looking at these pictures and touching themselves to her body got her wetter than she’d ever been in her life. By now her seat was nearly as drenched as her panties.
“Another great shot!” the voice said. “Okay, I think your tits have had enough attention for now!”
It was true, Kayti realized as she let go of her nipples. Both her breasts were huge now, like big jiggly basketballs. Oooh, I love them! They’re the bestest titties in the whole wide world! She began to caress them as she thought about all the guys who’d love to titty-fuck her now and that made her super happy and excited and—above all—horny.
“Time for your ass!” the voice continued.
Her thoughts were interrupted by that same tickly prickly feeling, only now she felt it strongest in her bum. This time, she wasn’t worried. Ooh, does that mean my ass is going to get nice and big and bouncy like my boobies?
“You might want to stand up for this part, Kayti.”
Well, Mr. Computer knew best, so she obediently got to her feet, wobbling unsteadily for a second as she acclimated to the new weight hanging from her chest. By the time she straightened, the tickly prickly had become more intense, and she rubbed her bum absently. “Ohhhh, Mr. Computer,” she moaned, “m-my ass feels f-funny.”
She pressed her hands against the flesh of her butt, and was momentarily surprised when her ass pressed back. Ohh, that means the growing’s started!
She turned around so her back was to the computer, then craned her head over a shoulder to get a better look at her ass. Sure enough, it was pressing outwards, just like her boobs had done only a few moments earlier, getting bigger and jigglier with each breath. Her white cotton panties were able to cover less and less of her butt as it spilled out from all sides. She gave her ass a little shake and watched the growing flesh wobble back and forth, the panties beginning to wedge themselves between her cheeks like a thong.
“Lookit my bum!” she exclaimed. “It’s so sexy and jiggly!” She slapped one of her cheeks and giggled as she felt her whole rear ripple with the impact.
“A nice fat ass to match those big fat tits!” replied the voice. “The bigger the better, I always say!”
Kayti had to widen her stance to support this growing weight, but for her it was more than worth it as she continued to crane her neck. By now each cheek was as big as her head, and they were nearly perfectly round, not saggy at all. When people see my ass they’ll want to fuck me soooo bad! She imagined someone taking her from behind, sinking their fingers deeply into each cheek for the best grip possible as they thrusted inside her with all their might. Mmm, that’ll be sooo much fun!
“Want to strike another pose, Kayti?”
“Umm, ya! Like, of course!” Kayti glanced over her shoulder at the camera once again, and bit her lip mischievously. She reached down and peeled her damp panties downward, so they were resting just under the cheeks of her massive ass, allowing those two swollen cushions to be shown off in all their jiggling, shiny glory.
“Lovely!” the voice said. “Another?”
Kayti didn’t need to be asked twice. She slid her panties further down, down, down, until she was bent all the way over, her hands touching her ankles, her big fat breasts pressing against her face. She peeked out from behind her legs at the camera that she was now fully presenting herself to, like an animal presenting itself to a mate. She flexed and unflexed her thigh muscles, making the whole surface of her ass wiggle and jiggle like some perverted gelatin dessert.
“Perfect!” the camera said. “Wow, Kitti, you really are good at this!”
“Like, how do I look, Mr. Computer?” Kayti asked, straightening and turning to face the camera, naked from head to toe. “Am I super sexy and hot?”
“Why don’t you see for yourself?” the voice said happily. A new screen opened on her computer, and she could see herself as the camera saw her. Kayti gasped. Ohmigod! I’m, like, the sexiest person in the whole wide planet! Her tits and ass were absolutely massive. Each tit and ass cheek was bigger than her head, making it look like she had four soft flesh-coloured basketballs attached to her body. She caressed every inch of these new additions and squealed in delight.
“This is, like, sooo perfect!” Kayti said.
“Almost, but not quite!” the voice replied. “What say we move on to the next step?”
“Ummm, next step?” Kayti tilted her head to one side, still rubbing her tits and ass absentmindedly. What does he mean, next step? I already have my nice big boobies and my huge sexy ass. What more does... oh! “Ooh, you mean my lips?”
“Got it in one, Kitti! Pucker up!”
Kayti did what she was told, and stuck her lips out in a kissy face. “Wike dish?”
“Perfect! Now, hold that pose.”
So Kayti did, eyes on her reflection on the video screen. “How wong befow it—?” But before she could finish her question, she had her answer. Her whole face got the tickly pricklies, and she gasped. Her hands left her breasts and ass and began to caress her sensitive lips and cheeks. “Ohhhh, feelsh sho shtwange.”
As she ran her fingers over her face, she saw in the video feed her own lips plumping up before her eyes. It was like she was pushing them out further and further into a super big kissy face, only she wasn’t doing anything! They were doing it on their own, getting bigger and fatter and glossier.
But the tingling wasn’t just in her lips. It ran from her scalp to her chin, and she let out a moan as she ran her fingers through her hair. As her hand passed over her disheveled brown hair, it seemed to act like some sort of magical conditioner, because her hair came away silky and sleek. She examined herself in the video feed—was that a streak of blonde in her hair? It was hard to fully concentrate on what was happening with all the tingly feelings happening in her head. All Kitti knew was that she liked it.
She ran her fingers along her soft pink lips, which were now in a permanent pucker. They felt so sensitive to the touch, and her eyelids drooped. If it felt this good just to feel a finger press against her mouth, she could only imagine how amazing it would be to suck on a nice hard dick. Oooh, I want it now! Big hard dick to suck on. Soooo good. She sucked on her own finger, could taste traces of her own feminine juices from when she had been pleasuring herself. That was nice. Not quite as nice as a big hard dick, but it was something. She ran her other hand through her scalp again, more silky blonde hair replacing her usual brown.
“Well, Kitti, how do you feel?”
Her eyes snapped open and she looked at the computer screen, pulling her finger from her lips with a wet pop!
“Feels gooooood!” she cooed from her puckered lips. She was still running her hands through her hair, along her naked body, touching any part of her she could. “Feels sooooo shexy!”
“That’s great, Kitti!” the voice said. “Now. Are you ready for one last push?”
“Ummmm, last push?”
“Exactly! I know, I know. You already have the great breasts, and the ass, and the sexy lips and the blonde hair. What more could you possibly want, right? Aren’t you sexy already?”
“Yah!” Kitti replied.
“Well, here’s the thing, Kitti. The people I work for, they like it when their merchandise is a little... on the softer side. A little, shall we say, heftier? I guess they value quality and quantity, if you get my drift.”
“Ummm,” Kitti blinked at the voice. Mr. Computer was being silly and hard to understand again, and Kitti wasn’t able to follow. “What’re you sayin’?”
“Never you mind, Kitti! Just relax and enjoy the ride.”
Kitti gasped. The tickly pricklies returned, only this time it was alllll over her body, and was super duper intense. “Wha... ohhhh... ooh... whasshappening?”
She collapsed to the floor whimpering and moaning, her whole body feeling like it was being caressed and prodded at the same time. She frantically rubbed her hands all up and down her body as small spasms shook her. These sensations were doing hell with her libido and she slipped three fingers into her pussy, hoping that would alleviate her cravings somewhat. “Ah... ahhhh...”
As she lay there writhing and squirming on the floor, her body began to expand. First her stomach began to pooch forward, pale and soft, and Kitti rubbed her belly with her free hand. She pictured men shooting their loads all over her tits and belly and her other hand rubbed all the more furiously. “mmm... ah! Mmm...”
Next came her legs. In a matter of moments, her normally thin and toned thighs fattened up to something more suitable to her huge ass. As her thighs widened, they pressed together below her waist. Pressed against the hand currently tasked with fondling her womanly lower lips, forcing her fingers deeper inside her. This in turn caused her body to be wracked in mini orgasms, and her legs kicked in the air with each burst of pleasure. These kicks became jigglier and jigglier as her expansion traveled down her thighs, past her knees all the way to her pudgy toes, which flexed and curled in time with her kicking. “Mm! Mm! Ah!”
Her arms began to feel heavier as they swelled up like sausages, the act of moving them becoming more of a chore. But Kitti wasn’t going to stop. Not even for a second. Her one hand continued to explore her softening body, rubbing and kneading and caressing handfuls of flesh, while her other hand continued to work her pussy. If anything, her tempo only increased as she felt the need within her grow, building and building. “Aaoh... ahn... mmm...”
She bit a fat, puckered lip as the swelling reached her face, causing her face to round out. A second chin formed under her first and her cheeks slowly swelled outwards adorably, almost like a chipmunk’s. That’s a lot of nuts in its mouth! She giggled at that distant memory. She wasn’t sure exactly where it came from, but before she could focus too long on that thought it went pop!just like a big pink soap bubble, and was gone.
In fact, as she got closer and closer to coming, more and more silly thoughts were going pop! pop! pop! Disappearing like soap bubbles. Melting like ice cubes on a hot summer’s day. Sinking away like a sandcastle during high tide. Going bye bye.
But Kitti didn’t mind. Those thinky things were silly and didn’t matter. Her stupid job and her Mr. Ugly boss. Pop! Her strained relationships with her friends and family. Pop! Her booooring novel that made her head hurt and didn’t even have sexy pictures. Pop! Pop! Pop! One by one, the silly useless boring stupid thinky things in her life went away, and she found she could really concentrate on the one thing that mattered: the orgasm. It was all so... simple, really.
She rolled her heavy body over so that she was lying on her front, knees tucked against her belly, her fat ass sticking in the air, slick with sweat and juices. She was close now. Soooo close. She reached both hands between her legs and groaned and moaned and quivered back and forth, unknowing and uncaring that she had given her computer the best seat in the house to what she was doing. Unknowing and uncaring that the camera was recording her all this time, sending the footage to another location where powerful men and women sat and watched. Unknowing and uncaring that as she reached the precipice of her orgasm, the computer program was also sending a message to go along with the footage, and this message read: “I think she’s finally ready to be picked up. Wouldn’t you agree?”
No, all she knew—all she cared about—was the fact that she was seconds away from the greatest moment in her life. Sooooo good! Kitti thought to herself. Soooo sexy! Gonna come! Closer! Closer! Feels sooo good! Want it! Closer! Gonna come! Gonna come! Gonnnnaaaaaaa-
“Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhnnnn!”
Kitti’s whole body shuddered and twitched as the most powerful orgasm of her life flooded through her entire system. Every part of her jiggled and quivered with each twitch. Besides the twitching, she just lay still, breathing heavily, ass still sticking up in the air. She had never been happier than in this very moment. I came! It was sooo good!
“Well?” came the voice from the computer. “Is Kitti happy?”
“Ya!” Kitti replied. She pushed herself up so that she was on her hands and knees, and looked over her shoulder at Mr. Computer, her ass still swaying gently from side to side. “Kitti veeeery happy!”
There was a sudden knock on the door, which startled Kitti from her orgasm-induced haze of bliss. “Ummm, whodat?” she asked Mr. Computer.
“Oh, don’t worry, Kitti! They’re just some people who are going to take you away from here, to your new home!”
“New... home?” Kitti looked in the direction of the front doorway, still frowning. There was another knock.
“Yeah, Kitti! Your new home! Where you can start your new life!”
The door opened and Kitti could now hear voices from the main hall. “Hello?” one man called out. “Anyone here?”
“She’s in the living room, gentlemen!” Mr. Computer called back. “Primed and ready, if I do say so myself.”
Still naked and on all fours, Kitti looked up as two men wearing all-white jumpsuits entered the room and glanced down at her.
“Ummmm... hi?” she said, her ass still sticking up in their direction.
“Hello,” one of them absently replied, then turned to the computer. “Were there any problems?”
“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Mr. Computer replied.
“And the files on the article she was working on?”
“Gone. I completely wiped the hard drive.” Mr. Computer’s voice was calm. Confident. “Oh, and I made sure that she cut off ties to her former place of employ, or any other acquaintances. We should be good on all fronts.”
Kitti, eyes wide with curiosity, stared up at the two men as they talked to Mr. Computer. They seemed to be talking about super serious nerdy things, and that was booooring, but at the same time both men seemed kind of hot.
“Wow,” said the second man—this one younger—to the computer. “I’d say you’ve outdone yourself this time. She’s a beaut.”
“Hey,” the first man put a hand on the second’s shoulder. “Make sure you don’t get too close to the merch. Don’t think the bosses would like that.”
“No, I know that. I’m just saying, she’s hot, is all.”
Kitti perked up at the man’s compliment, and a big smile crossed her puckered lips. “Oooh, thankyou!” she said, crawling towards him, her heavy body swaying from side to side. “D’youwanna fuck Kitti Kats?”
The first man laughed. “See what I mean?” he said to the younger man. “Anyways, go over the hard drive with the program. I’ll find something to cover up our big busty bimbo over here.”
Kitti pouted as the two men went about their tasks, ignoring her and her growing needs. The younger man stuck some portable technology thingie into Mr. Computer and the other one went to another room. When he came back, he was carrying the blanket from her bed.
“Hope this will cover her up, at least until we get her into the car. You good?”
“Yep,” said the younger one. “It’s all clean. Once the program self-deletes, no one will know we were here.”
“Awesome.” The older man turned his attention back towards Kitti. “Now, let’s get you covered.” He advanced with the blankets held open, but Kitti backed up uncertainly.
“Ummm, where we goin’?” she asked. “Who you?”
“It’s okay, Kitti!” came Mr. Computer’s voice. “They’re just here to take you to your new life! Somewhere where you can have lots and lots of fun with other women just like you!”
“Just... like me?”
“Exactly!” the voice said. “You’ve already seen pictures of some of them. Wouldn’t it be nice to play with them in person?”
“Ummm,” she thought about all the big sexy ladies she had seen earlier, and how fun it would be to play with them, to kiss and lick and touch them, and be kissed and licked and touched in return. “Ya! Fun!”
So she got unsteadily to her feet, swaying for a few seconds with her newfound weight until both men put an arm around her. She felt herself growing moist again at the contact from these men, but before she could do anything about it they had the blanket draped around her like a cloak, and were leading her out the front door.
“Gentlemen,” said the voice from the computer. “Always a pleasure.” Then it called out to Kitti. “Goodbye, Kitti! It was nice playing with you.”
“Buhbye, Mistah Computer!” she called back, before the door closed behind her.
“Okay,” the first one said as she waddled outside. “I’ll take the jeep. Why don’t you and miss Kitti here follow me in her car?” He tossed a pair of keys to the younger man. Keys that looked vaguely familiar to Kitti.
The younger man took them and led her towards her car. She was happy to follow along. She liked this one. He was cute and sexy, but also he seemed nice. Not like the other man. The other man looked mean. Cute and sexy, but mean.
She sat in the passenger’s seat, and was about to throw off the blanket when the man laid a gentle hand on hers. “No, Kitti, you have to stay covered. At least until we get to your new home. Can you do that for me?”
“O-kay!” she replied happily. She bit back a mischievous grin. He couldn’t see it, but under the blankets she had begun fingering herself. Being so close to a sexy man was getting her worked up again.
“Great,” he turned the keys in the ignition, and the car came to life.
As it did, the car speakers began playing the last CD Kitti had been listening to, and a boring old man’s voice began to drone on about stupid boring things. Kitti didn’t mind, though. She was too busy touching herself, and she had a satisfied smile on her face.
After a while, when they got onto the highway, the younger man turned and noticed Kitti’s happy expression. He seemed surprised. “Oh, are you, um, a fan of Dickens?”
She didn’t even have to think about that one to know the answer. “Ya! I like when it’s deep!”
“Huh,” the man said, clearly impressed. “I guess I misjudged you. You’re smarter than I thought.”
Kitti smiled at that. Ya! Kitti Kats is so smart and sexy and good and sex and blowjobs and everybody wants to fuck her! It was nice to be appreciated. She glanced over at the young man, then down at his lap. She licked her lips.
“Uh, hey! What are you—?” But the young man couldn’t stop her as she bent down and started fiddling with his fly. Not without crashing the car on the busy highway. “C’mon, Kitti! Stop! They don’t like it when... when...” By now, Kitti had pulled his stiffening cock free of his pants and was running her soft lips up and down its shaft. His protests died away into soft moans as he did his best to concentrate on the road.
Kitti, for her part, only concentrated on the tasty treat between her lips as she bobbed her head up and down, her own muffled moans joining his. She couldn’t think of anything she’d rather be doing, didn’t want to think of anything else, except maybe climbing on top of this man once he stopped driving. That would be fun. She could hardly wait for that. Or getting to this new place that Mr. Computer had told her about, full of sexy ladies like her. Or having fun sexy times with all of them.
Her puckered lips, wrapped as they were around the shaft of the driver, curled up into a big grin as she felt the man tremble and explode into her throat. Soooo yummy, she thought to herself as she straightened and licked her fat lips, swallowing happily. She hoped she wouldn’t have to wait long before he was ready for round two. If this was truly going to be her new life, then she was in for the time of her life.
The best of times indeed.
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